Don't know what to feel

When I got home after work, I was so riled up I couldn't sleep. I was sooo angry after I discovered a picture of Tim on some girl's Facebook page. The Internet is a blessing and a curse; a double edged sword. It's great for entertainment and research but it's also a wonderful tool for finding dirt on pretty much anyone.

I look at his FB page. I admit it.  I can't view his profile because I'm not his "friend" but I have been able to check his friends list and part of his "wall". Curiosity got the best of me. I looked at one of the last people he added and I clicked on her picture. My heart sank when I saw a picture of them together. I'm not stupid. I know he's with her now. I'm pretty sure they got off to a running start before he ended his ties with me.

Part of the reason that I'm so upset is that she's ugly. I am so much prettier than her. I'm insulted. I find myself asking questions that I'll never really get answers to. "Am I so horrible that he chose an ugly girl over me?" "Why was I not good enough?" "Did he ever really love me?" I'm pretty sure the answer to that question is no. If he did love me like he said he did he wouldn't have thrown it away for some plain Jane, tattooed girl with a joker smile and disastrous hair. She reminds me of an ugly Kat Von D. If she was better looking than I am at least I would understand why. I don't understand.

Not only is my heart broken but now my ego is hurt. I wanted to believe that he was different but he's not. He's an asshole just like the rest. Actually I take that back. He's worse. He's worse because he made me believe that he was sincere when in fact he's a bold face liar. I'd rather know right up front that I'm dealing with an insincere asshole than to think I finally met an honest man who respects me enough to tell me the truth. At least I know how to deal with an asshole from the beginning and I can keep my guard up and play the game.

My friends tell me that I'm better off without him. I want to believe it's true but never the less, I still miss him. There's a part of me that wishes he'd realize he made a mistake and come back. The other, more rational part of me wishes that I could forget he ever existed. I'm haunted by memories and by the lies that he told. I can't stop them from resonating in my head. I wish I could just erase any trace of him having been in my life.

Tim

The majority of this year has been utterly wasted on loving someone who apparantly refuses to love me back. When we broke up in April, I literaly thought I was going to die. My body physically ached. I loved him so much...

I spent the majority of the summer praying and begging God to bring him back to me. I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone else. My life was in shambles. I was miserable without him.

I don't know how or why, but slowly I started to miss him a little less. Little by little, he wasn't on my mind as much as he use to be. The memories of us were starting to fade. I guess time does heal all wounds.

Then the inevitable happened. He came back. I didn't know what to think at first. I was so apprehensive to let him back into my life. I didn't tell my friends that we were dating again. I kept it to myself for a while. I was afraid that he would leave and that I would have to pick up the pieces of my stupid broken heart.
I believed him when he said that he missed me so of course I let my guard down and got sucked into his plans for the future. I wanted to believe that he was sincere. I really wanted to believe that all the hesitation I felt was because I was scared and paranoid. It turns out that I was rightfully cautious. I should have listened to my intuition.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he left again. I saw it coming. He started to ignore my calls. He was short when replying to texts. The signs were all there. I'm not stupid. I can read between the lines. At least this time didn't hurt as much as the first. I cried a little but mostly felt nothing after it was all said and done. I was numb.

I missed him this week because of the Thanksgiving holiday. I wish I had someone to share it with. I wish he was still around. I guess some wishes don't come true. At least apparently for me they don't.