Christmas

Christmas came and went. It was relatively painless, I suppose. I suffered my yearly holiday kitchen injury. This year it was a burn on my wrist that still hurts and will undoubtedly leave a scar. I guess it's better than last year because there were no smoke or flames this time.

I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends. It was refreshing to have a house full of happy people. My son had a wonderful time celebrating this year. It's the happiest I've seen him in a really long time. For that I feel so very grateful. It was a reminder to me that I am loved and that I am still capable of loving.

Although Christmas was bearable, I did feel a sense of sadness after my guests left and my boy went to sleep. It's the same sadness and loneliness that set in when I'm alone with my thoughts. Deep down inside, part of me was hoping to hear from Tim. I wasn't necessarily expecting a card or a call, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't secretly wishing for a simple text message. Even the standard generic, group text wishing me and my family a Merry Christmas would have sufficed. I didn't want anything special. I didn't want him to profess his love or express his regret. All I wanted was to know that he was still thinking of me like I think of him.

I know it's probably a blessing that he didn't contact me. I should be thanking my lucky stars that he's kept his distance. The rational part of my brain recognizes that this is in fact a good thing. However, there's still a small part of me that has hope that he'll come back. My heart still believes that he was sincere when he said that he loved me. I'm hoping that time and distance will make these feelings fade. Maybe by next Christmas I won't remember his name or see his face when I close my eyes.  

Guilt

I did something bad today. I did something very, very bad... I made out with my ex-boyfriend on my lunch break. That is something that I would never normally do but apparently, I've lost all reason.

The incident started out innocent enough. He asked me if I would give him a ride home from a party because he didn't want to drink and drive.  I usually take my Code 7 (lunch break) at around the time that bars close anyway so it really wasn't a big deal. I would do it for any other friend, why not do it for him?

I was in serious denial. I knew it wasn't going to be as simple as I made it out to be in my head. He and I have major history together. At one point, I honestly believed that he was he love of my life. Unfortunately, it turned that he was married with kids. We had a beautiful love affair until it came to a screeching halt when his wife found out and damn near kicked my ass and ruined my career. That's a story for another day though...

The point is that neither one of us really learned our lesson. I guess nearly losing his family and everything that comes with it wasn't enough to keep him away from me because we've continued to have a relationship for 10-years. It's never been really consistent, but things have happened between us. We talk and text quite often since we work together, but I think we've both made and effort to not see each other frequently. We know that nothing good will ever come of it since he is a clear believer of the "It's cheaper to keep her" philosophy.

One would think that I would feel guilty for kissing a married man with three kids right? You might think that I'd feel a little bit of remorse for carrying on a forbidden relationship with him for the past decade...The truth is that I don't feel one bit of guilt over the fact that he's married. I know that I should feel bad about it because I am Catholic and adultery is most definitely a sin. I know I felt horrible when my husband cheated on me.His betrayal shook me to the core and tainted my perception of marriage and love.

I feel as though I cheat on Tim by kissing Rob. I haven't talked to Tim in almost seven weeks and yet I still feel a sense of loyalty to him. I think it's obvious that I miss him but it really pisses me off that I'm having so much trouble moving on. I owe him nothing but unfortunately for me, I am loyal to a fault. My brain understands that he's gone but my heart won't accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore.

Stupid

Men are stupid because they do stupid things. They leave beautiful, strong, independent, professional women for average to ugly, weak, needy, high-maintenance drama queens. They think with the wrong brain if you know what I mean. They lie, cheat, and deceive in order to get their way. They throw away stability for uncertainty. Why, oh why, do they do this? I wish there was at least one honest man out there who would enlighten me once and for all because I truly don't understand.

Nothing angers me more than when I see someone I dated with an ugly woman. This is especially true if he was unfaithful to me with her. It's the ultimate insult. It would seriously hurt less if you punched me in the face. I know this sounds superficial, but I have reasons for this. I think I'm a good catch. I'm supportive, giving, intelligent, loving, and affectionate. I'm not needy; I take care of myself. I'm a good listener and an excellent cook. And lastly, I'm very pretty. I really am the full package. This is why I don't understand why men want the opposite. Why do they migrate towards the crazy, suspicious, jealous girls that cause drama day in and day out? Why are they so drawn to insecure women who constantly need reassurance? I don't get it and none of my friends get it either. We apparently need enlightenment but I doubt we'll ever get it. My broken heart wants some answers...

My Heart

I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I can't breathe. I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  When I lay down my mind starts to go places I really wish it wouldn't. I'm overwhelmed by unanswered questions.

I can't wrap my brain around the fact that it's over...I can't accept that he's not coming back. I keep telling myself that we're finished; that I need to let him go. My heart refuses to comply. My heart doesn't understand that it shouldn't love someone who does not love it in return. My mind understands but my heart is stubborn. My broken heart is bleeding and it feels like I'm slowly dying.

Month One

It's officially been a month since we broke up and I still miss him every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I pray to God to keep him safe at work because he's a cop in a rough area. I keep going over every detail of our relationship in my head trying to figure out what went wrong.

In hope to ease my pain, I decided that I need a "distraction"...My search for this "distraction" hasn't really worked in my favor. I agreed to meet a guy that I met on Facebook for a drink hoping to get my mind of Tim. That was a huge mistake. I felt no attraction to the poor fellow and all I kept thinking about was how quickly I could make a run for it and take my sorry ass back home. I never would have liked this guy even if I wasn't on the rebound.  He never had a chance. He physically isnt't my type and I had no real interest in anything he had to say. Unfortunately, he's missing or ignoring the signs that I'm not interested. Here's a hint: if you text me and I consistently respond with one word answers then I'm not interested. If you text me and I take hours to reply if I reply at all, I'm not interested. If you ask me out time and time again and I say no, I'm not interested. If  a woman basically ignores you it's safe to assume that she's not interested right?  Well someone might want to help this guy out and fill him in because apparently he either doesn't get it or he thinks he'll wear me down. Good luck with that buddy. You have no chance in hell...

My other failed attempt to find a distraction involved me creating an account on a free online dating site. My friend insisted I try it and since I was bored, I did. I received 21 messages in the first five minutes. I was completely annoyed. My phone would not stop beeping. Yes, I realize how this sounds. Most people would be excited that they were getting so many responses but no, not me. I was irritated. I deleted all messages except for one. The "unlucky" guy and I sent messages back and forth for a while until we exchanged phone numbers. Big Mistake... The man won't leave me alone. I went so far as to tell him outright that I wasn't ready to start a relationship and that I had made a mistake. I was hoping he would understand and stop communicating with me but of course he didn't . He said that we could continue to text until I was ready! Seriously?! Ummmm no! He sends me text after text and I either ignore him or give him one word answers and he doesn't get it either. You too have no chance in hell...

I'm clearly not ready to move on. I would find something wrong with pretty much anyone at this point. I can't blame them for trying though. I'm a cute girl. Unfortunately, I'm a cute girl with a shattered heart and a bad attitude.

Bad Week

This week totally sucked. You'd think that I'd be happy to have seven consecutive days off right? Wrong. The first two days were good because my dear friend came in from out of town and stayed with me. Having her here was the highlight of my week.

I've only gotten out of bed since she left to complete motherly duties and to go to the gym twice. Other than that, I've been asleep in bed or on the couch. I'm even too tired to get out of bed to eat. I'm consumed by sadness. I feel alone and empty.

I know the symptoms of depression and there is no question in my mind that I'm depressed. I did go see my doctor who put me back on antidepressants. I use to feel ashamed to admit that I had to take meds but I'm not ashamed anymore. Partly because I don't really care about much these days, but also because I've had one of the toughest years of my life. If the meds will help me feel better then I'm game. I'm tired of feeling like crap.

I think I sleep so much because not only am I physically exhausted, but I also find that sleep gives me an escape. I feel nothing when I'm asleep; no pain, no sadness, no loneliness. That was until today.  Today I took one of my naps in the afternoon and woke up crying.  I was dreaming about Tim and how much I missed him. Seriously? He even haunts me in my sleep now. I hope the medication kicks in soon so I can get rid of my demons.

Don't know what to feel

When I got home after work, I was so riled up I couldn't sleep. I was sooo angry after I discovered a picture of Tim on some girl's Facebook page. The Internet is a blessing and a curse; a double edged sword. It's great for entertainment and research but it's also a wonderful tool for finding dirt on pretty much anyone.

I look at his FB page. I admit it.  I can't view his profile because I'm not his "friend" but I have been able to check his friends list and part of his "wall". Curiosity got the best of me. I looked at one of the last people he added and I clicked on her picture. My heart sank when I saw a picture of them together. I'm not stupid. I know he's with her now. I'm pretty sure they got off to a running start before he ended his ties with me.

Part of the reason that I'm so upset is that she's ugly. I am so much prettier than her. I'm insulted. I find myself asking questions that I'll never really get answers to. "Am I so horrible that he chose an ugly girl over me?" "Why was I not good enough?" "Did he ever really love me?" I'm pretty sure the answer to that question is no. If he did love me like he said he did he wouldn't have thrown it away for some plain Jane, tattooed girl with a joker smile and disastrous hair. She reminds me of an ugly Kat Von D. If she was better looking than I am at least I would understand why. I don't understand.

Not only is my heart broken but now my ego is hurt. I wanted to believe that he was different but he's not. He's an asshole just like the rest. Actually I take that back. He's worse. He's worse because he made me believe that he was sincere when in fact he's a bold face liar. I'd rather know right up front that I'm dealing with an insincere asshole than to think I finally met an honest man who respects me enough to tell me the truth. At least I know how to deal with an asshole from the beginning and I can keep my guard up and play the game.

My friends tell me that I'm better off without him. I want to believe it's true but never the less, I still miss him. There's a part of me that wishes he'd realize he made a mistake and come back. The other, more rational part of me wishes that I could forget he ever existed. I'm haunted by memories and by the lies that he told. I can't stop them from resonating in my head. I wish I could just erase any trace of him having been in my life.

Tim

The majority of this year has been utterly wasted on loving someone who apparantly refuses to love me back. When we broke up in April, I literaly thought I was going to die. My body physically ached. I loved him so much...

I spent the majority of the summer praying and begging God to bring him back to me. I couldn't stand the thought of being with someone else. My life was in shambles. I was miserable without him.

I don't know how or why, but slowly I started to miss him a little less. Little by little, he wasn't on my mind as much as he use to be. The memories of us were starting to fade. I guess time does heal all wounds.

Then the inevitable happened. He came back. I didn't know what to think at first. I was so apprehensive to let him back into my life. I didn't tell my friends that we were dating again. I kept it to myself for a while. I was afraid that he would leave and that I would have to pick up the pieces of my stupid broken heart.
I believed him when he said that he missed me so of course I let my guard down and got sucked into his plans for the future. I wanted to believe that he was sincere. I really wanted to believe that all the hesitation I felt was because I was scared and paranoid. It turns out that I was rightfully cautious. I should have listened to my intuition.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he left again. I saw it coming. He started to ignore my calls. He was short when replying to texts. The signs were all there. I'm not stupid. I can read between the lines. At least this time didn't hurt as much as the first. I cried a little but mostly felt nothing after it was all said and done. I was numb.

I missed him this week because of the Thanksgiving holiday. I wish I had someone to share it with. I wish he was still around. I guess some wishes don't come true. At least apparently for me they don't.