I wouldn't want to date me either

As I aimlessly strolled through Target today, I had an epiphany. For some random reason, I stopped in front of a book called "Why We Broke Up". As I read the title of book, I thought to myself, "I understand why we broke up. I wouldn't want to be with me either".  Ding, ding, ding, ding!!

I was standing there alone, in my work pants and boots, wet hair pinned back with a barrette, and minimal make-up. That's my uniform for half the week. The other half of the week I wear  yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt, and no make up with my hair undone. My house is a mess. I've gained at least 15 pounds. I haven't washed my car since November. I haven't bought any new clothes or gone out since October. Hell, I haven't even opened my blinds since October. I am a disaster. A complete disaster!

I seriously need to get it together. It's been three months since we broke up and I'm better. I don't miss him very much anymore. I think about him every now and then but I don't feel haunted by him or memories of him. I just don't know how to dig myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I want to be excited about things. I want to be happy but I just can't get there. Most of the time I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. On the bright side (or not so bright side), I have no problems getting agitated or flying off the edge. My hot ass temper is still very much in tact. I compare myself to the zombies in "The Walking Dead". I trudge through life slowly looking ugly and pale until something pisses me off. Then I attack. I'm in stuck in a trance until I'm ready to rip someones head off. I don't know about you, but I think I have a problem...

I guess what really frustrates me right now is that I don't know what to do to fix the problem. The fact that I don't have a resolution in and of itself poses a problem for me because I am a "doer". When something needs to be done and done right, I get it done. I just don't know what to do. I need a plan. I need some inspiration. I need a sign. God please send me a sign...

   

Week One

My first week back with Gym was ridiculous. My warm welcome was cut very short because I had to put it some major work. After having been away from Gym for a long three weeks, everything seemed so hard. It was akward. I felt completely out of the loop and frankly, slightly pathetic.

I struggled in Muay Thai. I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I was tired, short of breath, and stiff as a board. I thoroughly enjoyed boxing because it was slightly easier than Muay Thai. My arms were on fire but I survived. The first MMA class for the week was slightly brutal. I was the only girl in the class so I partnered up with Christian. I love Christian but he annoys the hell out of me when he's my partner. I had to remind him on several occasions that I am not a china doll. I will not break. I hate being babied in class by the boys. By the end of class I was so annoyed, I just walked away. The second MMA class was better because the instructor's girlfriend partnered up with me so it was actually fun.

I have my battle scars from Gym. Gym is the only "guy" I've ever let rough me up. My shoulder is so sore I can barely move it, I have bruises on my feet, shins, and forearms. I have lovely scratches on my knees. As you can tell, I look super sexy.

I've taken the past three days off from seeing Gym because I'm sick with a cold. Hopefully Gym will be kinder to me when I see him tomorrow morning. I'm heavily medicating myself tonight hoping I'll feel better. I need to feel better really soon so that I can go balls out with Gym. I seriously need to get into shape if I hope to find a new man soon. Now don't get me wrong, Gym is wonderful, but he's not a one woman kinda guy. I need someone slighly more faithful but I won't feel confident in finding him until I look and consequently feel fabulous. When I get to that point, I hope I somehow run into Tim so he can take a good look at what he's missing out on....

The Reunion

My reunion with Gym didn't go as well as hoped. Being as timely as I am, it bothered me that I arrived a little late. I already knew I would be late because I was going straight from work but I felt guilty for being tardy regardless (tisk, tisk). Once I got dressed and was ready to go, I jumped right in. No warm up. No stretching. No small talk. We just picked up where we left as if there was no passing of time.

The fact that I was already tired when I got there didn't help matters for me either. I quickly began thinking that meeting Gym after working a 12.5 hour graveyard shift wasn't the brightest idea I've had. But what the hell, I was already there right?  Gym had no mercy on me. Within the first five minutes I was spent. My leg were burning and I was gasping for air but he was relentless. He didn't care that I'd been gone for so long. He pushed and pushed knowing I'd work through the pain and I did. He was right all along. There must be a method to his madness.

After a short break, Gym and I went at it again. I didn't fare as well this time. Muay Thai after strength and conditioning is always a challenge. This time it was much worse since I'm extremely out of shape. There was a lot more cardio involved so I had to keep sucking on my inhaler because I haven't been taking my asthma meds lately (tisk, tisk again).

Despite how awful I felt, I pushed through the pain and exhaustion because two new girls in class were flirting with my man. No one and I do mean no one, was going to make me look bad in front of Gym. I secretly laughed at their sissy punches and kicks. Seriously, those girls couldn't fight three-year olds and win. As you can tell, I am a bit jealous and terratorial. I can't help it. I'm accustomed to being the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).

I hope my roundezvous with Gym tonight is much better than the last. I'm sure that we the passing of time, our relationship with continue to improve. Until then, I just need to do the work and tough it out.

"Gym"

Since Tim and I have been apart,  I haven't had much of a desire to start (or resume) a relationship with anyone else. Although one day  I did hang out with my devastatingly handsome blue-eyed boy toy, I quickly realized I just wasn't into it when we kissed. There was no flame. No spark. I just wanted him to leave.

I also felt nothing when the former love of my life and I attempted to rekindle the flames of passion and desire. He was so caring and affectionate but I couldn't help but try to find the fastest escape route and high-tail it out of there.

Due to these epic fails and a couple others in between, I've decided to give up on men for now. No I'm not jaded enough to play for the other team, but I think I'm just going to let it be...I'm going to focus my energy on something else; something a bit more positive... I've decided to rekindle my relationship with "Gym".

Gym is going to be my new boyfriend... Gym and I first met when I was 16. I had a brief encounter with "him" when I was still in high school but my parents did not support our relationship so I had to give him up.

I had another encounter with Gym when i was in my early 20's. A few of my friends and I used to meet him on our lunch hour to pass the time but I didn't really feel a connection to him. After I changed jobs, I slowly forgot about Gym.

A year or so later or I met Gym again but this time he had changed. He was different. This Gym wasn't your run-of-the-mill find one on every corner type. Gym had matured. He was higher class. He now catered to a  different type of person. This Gym was more intimate, more private. Gym broadened my interests by introducing me to American Kickboxing and Muay Thai. This is when i first fell in love with Gym...

I had a great relationship with Gym for a couple years. I saw him often, usually five to six days a week. If I didn't see him for more than a couple of days I became very agitated. I yearned for Gym. Gym was always there for me. When I was in a bad mood, I could always count on Gym to make me feel better. Gym was my shoulder to cry on.

Things between Gym and I changed on one fateful day. I was in a horrible mood when I went to see Gym. My blood was boiling and my mind was elsewhere. My focus was absent during kickboxing class. The instructor warned me to pay attention and focus on my form but I refused to listen. I just wanted to be with gym; angry or not. I was sloppily punching and kicking the heavy bag with fury and frustration when if felt a horrible pop in knee. It hurt so much but I refused to cry. I refused to cry in front of Gym.

After this, Gym and I grew apart. My injury kept me out of the gym for the majority of a year. After having knee surgery, I was reluctant to go see Gym again. I was afraid of re-injuring myself and having to relive that torturous ordeal again. I tried, I really did. I went to visit Gym a few times thereafter but it was no use. My heart was no longer in it. Fear and anxiety had replaced the positive feeling I once had for gym. Gym and I broke up.

I shied sway from Gym for for the majority of nine of years. I thought about him from time to time and contemplated seeing him again but it never seemed to work out. I always found a reason to stay away. My career and motherhood were two good "reasons" that I used as an excuse not to see him. I must admit that I did miss him but I wasn't ready to make a commitment to him again.

Everything changed earlier this year. After a failed disaster of a pseudo relationship with Mike, I needed a hobby. I was in dire need of a distraction so I started to visit Gym again. I saw him pretty regularly at first but there was no real spark. Gym and I didn't really make a connection until I started taking  Muay Thai again. Once martial arts came back into the picture, our relationship started blossoming. I fell in love with Gym all over again. Unfortunately, I still didn't make him a priority. After all, Tim was in the picture when this was happening so my attention was split between Tim and Gym not to mention all the other crap and responsibilities in my life.

After Tim and I split the first time, Gym really helped me pull through. Unfortunately, I've distanced myself from Gym after this last break up with Tim. I've been in a really low place. I know that Gym would help me feel better but I haven't been able to commit to Gym. I've found solace in laying on the couch and stuffing carbs of all flavors and variations into my mouth hence the 15lb weight gain.  That is until now. As time passes, I'm starting to feel better about the break up but worse about myself. 15 pounds on my small frame really shows. I feel flabby, fluffy, and totally unattractive. Needless to say, that sure as hell ain't working for me. My bleak outlook is improving now that my heart is healing and I feel like Gym and I need to rekindle our romance...
I'm looking forward to seeing Gym after work today.  I truly can't wait. I'm ready to make an honest commitment to Gym. I'm ready to make an honest commitment to myself...

New Year

I chose not to ring in the New Year in a traditional manner which for me would include loud music, dancing, kissing a stranger at midnight, and of course, lots of alcohol. Instead, I opted to work.

I didn't feel like celebrating much of anything so my options were limited to either working overtime or staying home with a bottle of red wine and "my girls" Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. There really was no point in taking the time to doll myself up when inside I'm still in mourning. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't hide my emotions well. No matter how hot I looked, I would have been ugly because I would have felt uncomfortable and pessimistic. Besides no one likes a girl who snarls, pretty or not. 

On a brighter note, thoughts of Tim are slowly fading which means that my heart is beginning to heal. I won't lie, I still think about him a lot but it's not the same as it use to be. I still pray for him and his kids every day as I pray for myself. I know that God is listening because peace is starting to replace the pain I feel.

I've decided to work on myself this year. I'm going to get back into shape since I've gained about 20lbs since we broke up. I'm not doing this because I want to attract a man; I'm doing it because I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I gave him too much power and it's time for me to take it back. I will slowly regain my happiness and confidence. Baby steps...