I've been avoiding Robert like the plague. The last time we got together he was way too affectionate and deep. I guess he didn't read the "Keep your sentiments at the door" sign. The last thing I need is for him to start caressing my face as he tells me how special I am and how much I mean to him. There are rules to this thing. Hasn't he ever watched "Pretty Woman"? No kissing on the mouth!! No-kissing-on-the-mouth!!
I have, however, seen Jay a couple times since Vegas. I still don't really know much about him though. I did learn his last name but only because the last time he came over he was in uniform and it was on his shirt. I'd never really considered the Sheriff's uniform to be very attractive but boy did he wear it well. I never could resist a man in uniform...
I'm supposed to see Rob this week. We'll see if it happens...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Home Wrecker
Apparently closing the book on this whole Tim situation has made me irresistible. Irresistible to the wrong kind of men. I'm starting to think that I should add "Professional Home wrecker" to my resume. I'm honestly beginning to believe that I'm cursed because I'm only able to attract unavailable men.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I still "see" Robert, my married ex-boyfriend. I've known him for 11 years and although we've tried to stay apart, we always seem to find our way back to each other. He almost broke up his marriage and family for me and I ruined my reputation and almost lost my job because of him.
None of that seems to matter to Rob. As for me, I'm looking for way out of this mess. I care for him. I think I always will, but I'm not a fool. I know that nothing will ever come of this. I know he'll never leave his wife and kids. Let me rephrase, he'll never leave his kids even if it means having to put up with his wife. However, I don't care for him like I use to. Over the years I've become more callus and cold knowing that I'll never be anything more than his mistress and his friend. He still looks at me with so much love in his eyes. He's affectionate and sincere when he tells me how he feels about me but at the end of the day,it's all meaningless. His word means nothing. He has his fun with me, then he goes home to her. This needs to end, I just don't know how to end it.
As if I don't have enough problems with one married man, I think I met another one a couple weeks ago in Vegas. I can't say for sure that he's married because I don't remember. All I know is that his name is Jay. I met him at the Venetian and he's a police officer. Of course he's a police officer. Vegas is swarming with police officers during Baker to Vegas weekend. I met him when I was very drunk. By the end of the night, I was even drunker. We talked in a very loud club for several hours before we went back to my room and had incredible sex. I'm pretty sure that during that conversation, he mentioned having a wife. Again, I can't confirm or deny because I was way above the legal limit.
Notice a trend here? It seems that only married police officers love me (I'm using the word "love" very loosely). I don't know what to do with myself anymore...
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I still "see" Robert, my married ex-boyfriend. I've known him for 11 years and although we've tried to stay apart, we always seem to find our way back to each other. He almost broke up his marriage and family for me and I ruined my reputation and almost lost my job because of him.
None of that seems to matter to Rob. As for me, I'm looking for way out of this mess. I care for him. I think I always will, but I'm not a fool. I know that nothing will ever come of this. I know he'll never leave his wife and kids. Let me rephrase, he'll never leave his kids even if it means having to put up with his wife. However, I don't care for him like I use to. Over the years I've become more callus and cold knowing that I'll never be anything more than his mistress and his friend. He still looks at me with so much love in his eyes. He's affectionate and sincere when he tells me how he feels about me but at the end of the day,it's all meaningless. His word means nothing. He has his fun with me, then he goes home to her. This needs to end, I just don't know how to end it.
As if I don't have enough problems with one married man, I think I met another one a couple weeks ago in Vegas. I can't say for sure that he's married because I don't remember. All I know is that his name is Jay. I met him at the Venetian and he's a police officer. Of course he's a police officer. Vegas is swarming with police officers during Baker to Vegas weekend. I met him when I was very drunk. By the end of the night, I was even drunker. We talked in a very loud club for several hours before we went back to my room and had incredible sex. I'm pretty sure that during that conversation, he mentioned having a wife. Again, I can't confirm or deny because I was way above the legal limit.
Notice a trend here? It seems that only married police officers love me (I'm using the word "love" very loosely). I don't know what to do with myself anymore...
Monday, April 16, 2012
Uninvited Guest
I was sitting at work on Tuesday night when my phone started ringing. The incoming call was from an unknown number, so out of curiosity, I answered it. I was seriously confused when I heard a song that I like playing as I said "hello". After the song played for a few more seconds, a vaguely familiar voice said my name. The hair on the back of my neck stood up, my jaw dropped, and my eyes opened as wide as a full moon. It was HIM. The fact that I knew it was him didn't stop me from asking who it was. I knew he expected me to know since part of my job entails voice recognition, but there was no way in hell that I willing to give him that satisfaction.
After he identified himself by name and I pretended not to know who it was, I tried rushing him off the phone because I was working. As it turns out, he was calling from the phone in front of my building because he no longer had my phone number. I didn't know if I should be angry or flattered that he drove to my house is an attempt to contact me. He gave me his new phone number before I finally succeeded in rushing him off the phone.
I pondered over whether or not I should actually use his phone number but I'm weak and my curiosity got the best of me. I needed to know why he had the nerve to show up at my house uninvited. After the shock wore off, I realized that I was offended that he just showed up at my house. AT MY HOUSE!! He invaded my personal space! How did he know that I was alone? Why was he so nonchalant about his unexpected visit? Did he expect me to be happy to hear from him after all this time? Was he expecting me to buzz him in, open the door, and just let him back into my life as if nothing had happened? I don't think so pal. I don't think so...
After he identified himself by name and I pretended not to know who it was, I tried rushing him off the phone because I was working. As it turns out, he was calling from the phone in front of my building because he no longer had my phone number. I didn't know if I should be angry or flattered that he drove to my house is an attempt to contact me. He gave me his new phone number before I finally succeeded in rushing him off the phone.
I pondered over whether or not I should actually use his phone number but I'm weak and my curiosity got the best of me. I needed to know why he had the nerve to show up at my house uninvited. After the shock wore off, I realized that I was offended that he just showed up at my house. AT MY HOUSE!! He invaded my personal space! How did he know that I was alone? Why was he so nonchalant about his unexpected visit? Did he expect me to be happy to hear from him after all this time? Was he expecting me to buzz him in, open the door, and just let him back into my life as if nothing had happened? I don't think so pal. I don't think so...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day came and went. It was uneventful and drab which is exactly how I like it. It was just another Tuesday. I don't want to sound bitter, but I am most definitely anti-Valentine's Day. In my opinion, Valentine's Day is just another holiday exploited by Hallmark to make sales. I mean, do we really need to designate a day to show our loved ones that we care? I think not. That's something that should be done on a regular basis.
I would personally prefer that my significant other treat me like crap one day a year and be loving the other 364 instead of the opposite. I also don't believe that a grand gesture is needed to prove your love and devotion. If a man sends me flowers on Valentine's Day, in my mind, it's pretty much meaningless. He's sending them out of a sense of obligation. He's basically feeling pressured by society to perform like a circus clown. He's basically trying to avoid the wrath that he believes he'll get if he doesn't do what is expected. That is super lame in my book.
However, if that same man sends me flowers on a random day for no apparent reason, then it means so much more. I would appreciate that heartfelt and sincere gesture one hundred times more than receiving obligatory flowers. When I was 19-years old, I had to work late on Christmas Eve and I was super bummed about it. It was my son's first Christmas and I had to work. The call center was pretty lonely since there was just a skeleton crew on duty and all I wanted to do was to go home to my baby. I saw the secretary walking through the center holding a beautiful arrangement of deep red roses with pine accents and I remember thinking "God, those flowers are gorgeous". I almost cried when she walked up to my desk and set them down. I've received flowers on many different occasions and from many different men, but those flowers are the ones that have meant the most to me. He knew I was down and he sent them to lift my spirits. He sent them as an act of kindness and I will never forget that. Those are the kind of flowers I want to receive. I want flowers and cards that mean sincerely something
I would personally prefer that my significant other treat me like crap one day a year and be loving the other 364 instead of the opposite. I also don't believe that a grand gesture is needed to prove your love and devotion. If a man sends me flowers on Valentine's Day, in my mind, it's pretty much meaningless. He's sending them out of a sense of obligation. He's basically feeling pressured by society to perform like a circus clown. He's basically trying to avoid the wrath that he believes he'll get if he doesn't do what is expected. That is super lame in my book.
However, if that same man sends me flowers on a random day for no apparent reason, then it means so much more. I would appreciate that heartfelt and sincere gesture one hundred times more than receiving obligatory flowers. When I was 19-years old, I had to work late on Christmas Eve and I was super bummed about it. It was my son's first Christmas and I had to work. The call center was pretty lonely since there was just a skeleton crew on duty and all I wanted to do was to go home to my baby. I saw the secretary walking through the center holding a beautiful arrangement of deep red roses with pine accents and I remember thinking "God, those flowers are gorgeous". I almost cried when she walked up to my desk and set them down. I've received flowers on many different occasions and from many different men, but those flowers are the ones that have meant the most to me. He knew I was down and he sent them to lift my spirits. He sent them as an act of kindness and I will never forget that. Those are the kind of flowers I want to receive. I want flowers and cards that mean sincerely something
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Progress
I'm glad to report that I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I've been spending more time with Gym and it's slowly becoming a habit again. I've been preoccupied with running, Muay Thai, MMA, and BJJ. I've noticed that little by little I'm starting to shed the "fluff".
The fact that my "fat jeans" are starting to get really baggy again is such a relief! I can't wait to slip into my beautiful Hudson's again! I still don't feel like I'm ready to put myself out there but I don't think I look like the Elephant Man anymore.
I'm making progress on the Tim front as well. As time passes, I think less and less of him. I'd like to say that I don't think about him at all but that would be a blatant lie. For some reason, I had a weird feeling that he and that low class FB girl were on that outs. Since I can't ask him directly, I decided to be a snoop. I pulled up his Facebook page and checked his "friends" list to see if she was still on there. I figured that as long as things were good, they'd still be "friends". I was pleasantly surprised to see that she is no longer listed as his "friend" and neither is her mom. Trouble in paradise? Sure looks like it me! The grass isn't always greener, now is it Timmy? Ha ha! That is exactly what you get for being a douche! I almost feel guilty for being this happy about his misfortune but I don't feel guilty at all. You get what you give and you gave me a ton of heartache so if the universe is returning the favor, then so be it. For all I know, he's loving life with someone else, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he's not and that warms my heart.
I know he'll be back. They always come back. I'll have to decide how to proceed when he does....
The fact that my "fat jeans" are starting to get really baggy again is such a relief! I can't wait to slip into my beautiful Hudson's again! I still don't feel like I'm ready to put myself out there but I don't think I look like the Elephant Man anymore.
I'm making progress on the Tim front as well. As time passes, I think less and less of him. I'd like to say that I don't think about him at all but that would be a blatant lie. For some reason, I had a weird feeling that he and that low class FB girl were on that outs. Since I can't ask him directly, I decided to be a snoop. I pulled up his Facebook page and checked his "friends" list to see if she was still on there. I figured that as long as things were good, they'd still be "friends". I was pleasantly surprised to see that she is no longer listed as his "friend" and neither is her mom. Trouble in paradise? Sure looks like it me! The grass isn't always greener, now is it Timmy? Ha ha! That is exactly what you get for being a douche! I almost feel guilty for being this happy about his misfortune but I don't feel guilty at all. You get what you give and you gave me a ton of heartache so if the universe is returning the favor, then so be it. For all I know, he's loving life with someone else, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he's not and that warms my heart.
I know he'll be back. They always come back. I'll have to decide how to proceed when he does....
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I wouldn't want to date me either
As I aimlessly strolled through Target today, I had an epiphany. For some random reason, I stopped in front of a book called "Why We Broke Up". As I read the title of book, I thought to myself, "I understand why we broke up. I wouldn't want to be with me either". Ding, ding, ding, ding!!
I was standing there alone, in my work pants and boots, wet hair pinned back with a barrette, and minimal make-up. That's my uniform for half the week. The other half of the week I wear yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt, and no make up with my hair undone. My house is a mess. I've gained at least 15 pounds. I haven't washed my car since November. I haven't bought any new clothes or gone out since October. Hell, I haven't even opened my blinds since October. I am a disaster. A complete disaster!
I seriously need to get it together. It's been three months since we broke up and I'm better. I don't miss him very much anymore. I think about him every now and then but I don't feel haunted by him or memories of him. I just don't know how to dig myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I want to be excited about things. I want to be happy but I just can't get there. Most of the time I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. On the bright side (or not so bright side), I have no problems getting agitated or flying off the edge. My hot ass temper is still very much in tact. I compare myself to the zombies in "The Walking Dead". I trudge through life slowly looking ugly and pale until something pisses me off. Then I attack. I'm in stuck in a trance until I'm ready to rip someones head off. I don't know about you, but I think I have a problem...
I guess what really frustrates me right now is that I don't know what to do to fix the problem. The fact that I don't have a resolution in and of itself poses a problem for me because I am a "doer". When something needs to be done and done right, I get it done. I just don't know what to do. I need a plan. I need some inspiration. I need a sign. God please send me a sign...
I was standing there alone, in my work pants and boots, wet hair pinned back with a barrette, and minimal make-up. That's my uniform for half the week. The other half of the week I wear yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt, and no make up with my hair undone. My house is a mess. I've gained at least 15 pounds. I haven't washed my car since November. I haven't bought any new clothes or gone out since October. Hell, I haven't even opened my blinds since October. I am a disaster. A complete disaster!
I seriously need to get it together. It's been three months since we broke up and I'm better. I don't miss him very much anymore. I think about him every now and then but I don't feel haunted by him or memories of him. I just don't know how to dig myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I want to be excited about things. I want to be happy but I just can't get there. Most of the time I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. On the bright side (or not so bright side), I have no problems getting agitated or flying off the edge. My hot ass temper is still very much in tact. I compare myself to the zombies in "The Walking Dead". I trudge through life slowly looking ugly and pale until something pisses me off. Then I attack. I'm in stuck in a trance until I'm ready to rip someones head off. I don't know about you, but I think I have a problem...
I guess what really frustrates me right now is that I don't know what to do to fix the problem. The fact that I don't have a resolution in and of itself poses a problem for me because I am a "doer". When something needs to be done and done right, I get it done. I just don't know what to do. I need a plan. I need some inspiration. I need a sign. God please send me a sign...
Monday, January 16, 2012
Week One
My first week back with Gym was ridiculous. My warm welcome was cut very short because I had to put it some major work. After having been away from Gym for a long three weeks, everything seemed so hard. It was akward. I felt completely out of the loop and frankly, slightly pathetic.
I struggled in Muay Thai. I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I was tired, short of breath, and stiff as a board. I thoroughly enjoyed boxing because it was slightly easier than Muay Thai. My arms were on fire but I survived. The first MMA class for the week was slightly brutal. I was the only girl in the class so I partnered up with Christian. I love Christian but he annoys the hell out of me when he's my partner. I had to remind him on several occasions that I am not a china doll. I will not break. I hate being babied in class by the boys. By the end of class I was so annoyed, I just walked away. The second MMA class was better because the instructor's girlfriend partnered up with me so it was actually fun.
I have my battle scars from Gym. Gym is the only "guy" I've ever let rough me up. My shoulder is so sore I can barely move it, I have bruises on my feet, shins, and forearms. I have lovely scratches on my knees. As you can tell, I look super sexy.
I've taken the past three days off from seeing Gym because I'm sick with a cold. Hopefully Gym will be kinder to me when I see him tomorrow morning. I'm heavily medicating myself tonight hoping I'll feel better. I need to feel better really soon so that I can go balls out with Gym. I seriously need to get into shape if I hope to find a new man soon. Now don't get me wrong, Gym is wonderful, but he's not a one woman kinda guy. I need someone slighly more faithful but I won't feel confident in finding him until I look and consequently feel fabulous. When I get to that point, I hope I somehow run into Tim so he can take a good look at what he's missing out on....
I struggled in Muay Thai. I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I was tired, short of breath, and stiff as a board. I thoroughly enjoyed boxing because it was slightly easier than Muay Thai. My arms were on fire but I survived. The first MMA class for the week was slightly brutal. I was the only girl in the class so I partnered up with Christian. I love Christian but he annoys the hell out of me when he's my partner. I had to remind him on several occasions that I am not a china doll. I will not break. I hate being babied in class by the boys. By the end of class I was so annoyed, I just walked away. The second MMA class was better because the instructor's girlfriend partnered up with me so it was actually fun.
I have my battle scars from Gym. Gym is the only "guy" I've ever let rough me up. My shoulder is so sore I can barely move it, I have bruises on my feet, shins, and forearms. I have lovely scratches on my knees. As you can tell, I look super sexy.
I've taken the past three days off from seeing Gym because I'm sick with a cold. Hopefully Gym will be kinder to me when I see him tomorrow morning. I'm heavily medicating myself tonight hoping I'll feel better. I need to feel better really soon so that I can go balls out with Gym. I seriously need to get into shape if I hope to find a new man soon. Now don't get me wrong, Gym is wonderful, but he's not a one woman kinda guy. I need someone slighly more faithful but I won't feel confident in finding him until I look and consequently feel fabulous. When I get to that point, I hope I somehow run into Tim so he can take a good look at what he's missing out on....
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