Boring

I've been avoiding Robert like the plague. The last time we got together he was way too affectionate and deep. I guess he didn't read the "Keep your sentiments at the door" sign. The last thing I need is for him to start caressing my face as he tells me how special I am and how much I mean to him. There are rules to this thing. Hasn't he ever watched "Pretty Woman"? No kissing on the mouth!! No-kissing-on-the-mouth!!

I have, however, seen Jay a couple times since Vegas. I still don't really know much about him though. I did learn his last name but only because the last time he came over he was in uniform and it was on his shirt. I'd never really considered the Sheriff's uniform to be very attractive but boy did he wear it well. I never could resist a man in uniform...

I'm supposed to see Rob this week. We'll see if it happens...

Home Wrecker

Apparently closing the book on this whole Tim situation has made me irresistible. Irresistible to the wrong kind of men. I'm starting to think that I should add "Professional Home wrecker" to my resume. I'm honestly beginning to believe that I'm cursed because I'm only able to attract unavailable men.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I still "see" Robert, my married ex-boyfriend. I've known him for 11 years and although we've tried to stay apart, we always seem to find our way back to each other. He almost broke up his marriage and family for me and I ruined my reputation and almost lost my job because of him.

None of that seems to matter to Rob. As for me, I'm looking for way out of this mess. I care for him. I think I always will, but I'm not a fool. I know that nothing will ever come of this. I know he'll never leave his wife and kids. Let me rephrase, he'll never leave his kids even if it means having to put up with his wife. However, I don't care for him like I use to. Over the years I've become more callus and cold knowing that I'll never be anything more than his mistress and his friend. He still looks at me with so much love in his eyes. He's affectionate and sincere when he tells me how he feels about me but at the end of the day,it's all meaningless. His word means nothing. He has his fun with me, then he goes home to her. This needs to end, I just don't know how to end it.

As if I don't have enough problems with one married man, I think I met another one a couple weeks ago in Vegas. I can't say for sure that he's married because I don't remember.  All I know is that his name is Jay.  I met him at the Venetian and he's a police officer. Of course he's a police officer. Vegas is swarming with police officers during Baker to Vegas weekend. I met him when I was very drunk. By the end of the night, I was even drunker. We talked in a very loud club for several hours before we went back to my room and had incredible sex. I'm pretty sure that during that conversation, he mentioned having a wife. Again, I can't confirm or deny because I was way above the legal limit.

Notice a trend here? It seems that only married police officers love me (I'm using the word "love" very loosely). I don't know what to do with myself anymore...

Uninvited Guest

I was sitting at work on Tuesday night when my phone started ringing. The incoming call was from an unknown number, so out of curiosity, I answered it. I was seriously confused when I heard a song that I like playing as I said "hello". After the song played for a few more seconds, a vaguely familiar voice said my name. The hair on the back of my neck stood up, my jaw dropped, and my eyes opened as wide as a full moon. It was HIM. The fact that I knew it was him didn't stop me from asking who it was. I knew he expected me to know since part of my job entails voice recognition, but there was no way in hell that I willing to give him that satisfaction.

After he identified himself by name and I pretended not to know who it was, I tried rushing him off the phone because I was working. As it turns out, he was calling from the phone in front of my building because he no longer had my phone number. I didn't know if I should be angry or flattered that he drove to my house is an attempt to contact me. He gave me his new phone number before I finally succeeded in rushing him off the phone.

I pondered over whether or not I should actually use his phone number but I'm weak and my curiosity got the best of me. I needed to know why he had the nerve to show up at my house uninvited. After the shock wore off, I realized that I was offended that he just showed up at my house. AT MY HOUSE!! He invaded my personal space! How did he know that I was alone? Why was he so nonchalant about his unexpected visit? Did he expect me to be happy to hear from him after all this time? Was he expecting me to buzz him in, open the door, and just let him back into my life as if nothing had happened? I don't think so pal. I don't think so...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day came and went. It was uneventful and drab which is exactly how I like it. It was just another Tuesday. I don't want to sound bitter, but I am most definitely anti-Valentine's Day. In my opinion,  Valentine's Day is just another holiday exploited by Hallmark to make sales. I mean, do we really need to designate a day to show our loved ones that we care? I think not. That's something that should be done on a regular basis.

I would personally prefer that my significant other treat me like crap one day a year and be loving the other 364 instead of the opposite. I also don't believe that a grand gesture is needed to prove your love and devotion. If a man sends me flowers on Valentine's Day, in my mind, it's pretty much meaningless. He's sending them out of a sense of obligation. He's basically feeling pressured by society to perform like a circus clown. He's basically trying to avoid the wrath that he believes he'll get if he doesn't do what is expected. That is super lame in my book.

However, if that same man sends me flowers on a random day for no apparent reason, then it means so much more. I would appreciate that heartfelt and sincere gesture one hundred times more than receiving obligatory flowers. When I was 19-years old, I had to work late on Christmas Eve and I was super bummed about it. It was my son's first Christmas and I had to work. The call center was pretty lonely since there was just a skeleton crew on duty and all I wanted to do was to go home to my baby. I saw the secretary walking through the center holding a beautiful arrangement of deep red roses with pine accents and I remember thinking "God, those flowers are gorgeous". I almost cried when she walked up to my desk and set them down. I've received flowers on many different occasions and from many different men, but those flowers are the ones that have meant the most to me. He knew I was down and he sent them to lift my spirits. He sent them as an act of kindness and I will never forget that. Those are the kind of flowers I want to receive. I want flowers and cards that mean sincerely something     

Progress

I'm glad to report that I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I've been spending more time with Gym and it's slowly becoming a habit again. I've been preoccupied with running, Muay Thai, MMA, and BJJ. I've noticed that little by little I'm starting to shed the "fluff".

The fact that my "fat jeans" are starting to get really baggy again is such a relief! I can't wait to slip into my beautiful Hudson's again! I still don't feel like I'm ready to put myself out there but I don't think I look like the Elephant Man anymore.

I'm making progress on the Tim front as well. As time passes, I think less and less of him. I'd like to say that I don't think about him at all but that would be a blatant lie. For some reason, I had a weird feeling that he and that low class FB girl were on that outs. Since I can't ask him directly, I decided to be a snoop. I pulled up his Facebook page and checked his "friends" list to see if she was still on there. I figured that as long as things were good, they'd still be "friends". I was pleasantly surprised to see that she is no longer listed as his "friend" and neither is her mom. Trouble in paradise? Sure looks like it me! The grass isn't always greener, now is it Timmy? Ha ha! That is exactly what you get for being a douche! I almost feel guilty for being this happy about his misfortune but I don't feel guilty at all. You get what you give and you gave me a ton of heartache so if the universe is returning the favor, then so be it. For all I know, he's loving life with someone else, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he's not and that warms my heart.

I know he'll be back. They always come back. I'll have to decide how to proceed when he does.... 

I wouldn't want to date me either

As I aimlessly strolled through Target today, I had an epiphany. For some random reason, I stopped in front of a book called "Why We Broke Up". As I read the title of book, I thought to myself, "I understand why we broke up. I wouldn't want to be with me either".  Ding, ding, ding, ding!!

I was standing there alone, in my work pants and boots, wet hair pinned back with a barrette, and minimal make-up. That's my uniform for half the week. The other half of the week I wear  yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt, and no make up with my hair undone. My house is a mess. I've gained at least 15 pounds. I haven't washed my car since November. I haven't bought any new clothes or gone out since October. Hell, I haven't even opened my blinds since October. I am a disaster. A complete disaster!

I seriously need to get it together. It's been three months since we broke up and I'm better. I don't miss him very much anymore. I think about him every now and then but I don't feel haunted by him or memories of him. I just don't know how to dig myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I want to be excited about things. I want to be happy but I just can't get there. Most of the time I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. On the bright side (or not so bright side), I have no problems getting agitated or flying off the edge. My hot ass temper is still very much in tact. I compare myself to the zombies in "The Walking Dead". I trudge through life slowly looking ugly and pale until something pisses me off. Then I attack. I'm in stuck in a trance until I'm ready to rip someones head off. I don't know about you, but I think I have a problem...

I guess what really frustrates me right now is that I don't know what to do to fix the problem. The fact that I don't have a resolution in and of itself poses a problem for me because I am a "doer". When something needs to be done and done right, I get it done. I just don't know what to do. I need a plan. I need some inspiration. I need a sign. God please send me a sign...

   

Week One

My first week back with Gym was ridiculous. My warm welcome was cut very short because I had to put it some major work. After having been away from Gym for a long three weeks, everything seemed so hard. It was akward. I felt completely out of the loop and frankly, slightly pathetic.

I struggled in Muay Thai. I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I was tired, short of breath, and stiff as a board. I thoroughly enjoyed boxing because it was slightly easier than Muay Thai. My arms were on fire but I survived. The first MMA class for the week was slightly brutal. I was the only girl in the class so I partnered up with Christian. I love Christian but he annoys the hell out of me when he's my partner. I had to remind him on several occasions that I am not a china doll. I will not break. I hate being babied in class by the boys. By the end of class I was so annoyed, I just walked away. The second MMA class was better because the instructor's girlfriend partnered up with me so it was actually fun.

I have my battle scars from Gym. Gym is the only "guy" I've ever let rough me up. My shoulder is so sore I can barely move it, I have bruises on my feet, shins, and forearms. I have lovely scratches on my knees. As you can tell, I look super sexy.

I've taken the past three days off from seeing Gym because I'm sick with a cold. Hopefully Gym will be kinder to me when I see him tomorrow morning. I'm heavily medicating myself tonight hoping I'll feel better. I need to feel better really soon so that I can go balls out with Gym. I seriously need to get into shape if I hope to find a new man soon. Now don't get me wrong, Gym is wonderful, but he's not a one woman kinda guy. I need someone slighly more faithful but I won't feel confident in finding him until I look and consequently feel fabulous. When I get to that point, I hope I somehow run into Tim so he can take a good look at what he's missing out on....

The Reunion

My reunion with Gym didn't go as well as hoped. Being as timely as I am, it bothered me that I arrived a little late. I already knew I would be late because I was going straight from work but I felt guilty for being tardy regardless (tisk, tisk). Once I got dressed and was ready to go, I jumped right in. No warm up. No stretching. No small talk. We just picked up where we left as if there was no passing of time.

The fact that I was already tired when I got there didn't help matters for me either. I quickly began thinking that meeting Gym after working a 12.5 hour graveyard shift wasn't the brightest idea I've had. But what the hell, I was already there right?  Gym had no mercy on me. Within the first five minutes I was spent. My leg were burning and I was gasping for air but he was relentless. He didn't care that I'd been gone for so long. He pushed and pushed knowing I'd work through the pain and I did. He was right all along. There must be a method to his madness.

After a short break, Gym and I went at it again. I didn't fare as well this time. Muay Thai after strength and conditioning is always a challenge. This time it was much worse since I'm extremely out of shape. There was a lot more cardio involved so I had to keep sucking on my inhaler because I haven't been taking my asthma meds lately (tisk, tisk again).

Despite how awful I felt, I pushed through the pain and exhaustion because two new girls in class were flirting with my man. No one and I do mean no one, was going to make me look bad in front of Gym. I secretly laughed at their sissy punches and kicks. Seriously, those girls couldn't fight three-year olds and win. As you can tell, I am a bit jealous and terratorial. I can't help it. I'm accustomed to being the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).

I hope my roundezvous with Gym tonight is much better than the last. I'm sure that we the passing of time, our relationship with continue to improve. Until then, I just need to do the work and tough it out.

"Gym"

Since Tim and I have been apart,  I haven't had much of a desire to start (or resume) a relationship with anyone else. Although one day  I did hang out with my devastatingly handsome blue-eyed boy toy, I quickly realized I just wasn't into it when we kissed. There was no flame. No spark. I just wanted him to leave.

I also felt nothing when the former love of my life and I attempted to rekindle the flames of passion and desire. He was so caring and affectionate but I couldn't help but try to find the fastest escape route and high-tail it out of there.

Due to these epic fails and a couple others in between, I've decided to give up on men for now. No I'm not jaded enough to play for the other team, but I think I'm just going to let it be...I'm going to focus my energy on something else; something a bit more positive... I've decided to rekindle my relationship with "Gym".

Gym is going to be my new boyfriend... Gym and I first met when I was 16. I had a brief encounter with "him" when I was still in high school but my parents did not support our relationship so I had to give him up.

I had another encounter with Gym when i was in my early 20's. A few of my friends and I used to meet him on our lunch hour to pass the time but I didn't really feel a connection to him. After I changed jobs, I slowly forgot about Gym.

A year or so later or I met Gym again but this time he had changed. He was different. This Gym wasn't your run-of-the-mill find one on every corner type. Gym had matured. He was higher class. He now catered to a  different type of person. This Gym was more intimate, more private. Gym broadened my interests by introducing me to American Kickboxing and Muay Thai. This is when i first fell in love with Gym...

I had a great relationship with Gym for a couple years. I saw him often, usually five to six days a week. If I didn't see him for more than a couple of days I became very agitated. I yearned for Gym. Gym was always there for me. When I was in a bad mood, I could always count on Gym to make me feel better. Gym was my shoulder to cry on.

Things between Gym and I changed on one fateful day. I was in a horrible mood when I went to see Gym. My blood was boiling and my mind was elsewhere. My focus was absent during kickboxing class. The instructor warned me to pay attention and focus on my form but I refused to listen. I just wanted to be with gym; angry or not. I was sloppily punching and kicking the heavy bag with fury and frustration when if felt a horrible pop in knee. It hurt so much but I refused to cry. I refused to cry in front of Gym.

After this, Gym and I grew apart. My injury kept me out of the gym for the majority of a year. After having knee surgery, I was reluctant to go see Gym again. I was afraid of re-injuring myself and having to relive that torturous ordeal again. I tried, I really did. I went to visit Gym a few times thereafter but it was no use. My heart was no longer in it. Fear and anxiety had replaced the positive feeling I once had for gym. Gym and I broke up.

I shied sway from Gym for for the majority of nine of years. I thought about him from time to time and contemplated seeing him again but it never seemed to work out. I always found a reason to stay away. My career and motherhood were two good "reasons" that I used as an excuse not to see him. I must admit that I did miss him but I wasn't ready to make a commitment to him again.

Everything changed earlier this year. After a failed disaster of a pseudo relationship with Mike, I needed a hobby. I was in dire need of a distraction so I started to visit Gym again. I saw him pretty regularly at first but there was no real spark. Gym and I didn't really make a connection until I started taking  Muay Thai again. Once martial arts came back into the picture, our relationship started blossoming. I fell in love with Gym all over again. Unfortunately, I still didn't make him a priority. After all, Tim was in the picture when this was happening so my attention was split between Tim and Gym not to mention all the other crap and responsibilities in my life.

After Tim and I split the first time, Gym really helped me pull through. Unfortunately, I've distanced myself from Gym after this last break up with Tim. I've been in a really low place. I know that Gym would help me feel better but I haven't been able to commit to Gym. I've found solace in laying on the couch and stuffing carbs of all flavors and variations into my mouth hence the 15lb weight gain.  That is until now. As time passes, I'm starting to feel better about the break up but worse about myself. 15 pounds on my small frame really shows. I feel flabby, fluffy, and totally unattractive. Needless to say, that sure as hell ain't working for me. My bleak outlook is improving now that my heart is healing and I feel like Gym and I need to rekindle our romance...
I'm looking forward to seeing Gym after work today.  I truly can't wait. I'm ready to make an honest commitment to Gym. I'm ready to make an honest commitment to myself...

New Year

I chose not to ring in the New Year in a traditional manner which for me would include loud music, dancing, kissing a stranger at midnight, and of course, lots of alcohol. Instead, I opted to work.

I didn't feel like celebrating much of anything so my options were limited to either working overtime or staying home with a bottle of red wine and "my girls" Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. There really was no point in taking the time to doll myself up when inside I'm still in mourning. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't hide my emotions well. No matter how hot I looked, I would have been ugly because I would have felt uncomfortable and pessimistic. Besides no one likes a girl who snarls, pretty or not. 

On a brighter note, thoughts of Tim are slowly fading which means that my heart is beginning to heal. I won't lie, I still think about him a lot but it's not the same as it use to be. I still pray for him and his kids every day as I pray for myself. I know that God is listening because peace is starting to replace the pain I feel.

I've decided to work on myself this year. I'm going to get back into shape since I've gained about 20lbs since we broke up. I'm not doing this because I want to attract a man; I'm doing it because I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I gave him too much power and it's time for me to take it back. I will slowly regain my happiness and confidence. Baby steps...