Guilt

I did something bad today. I did something very, very bad... I made out with my ex-boyfriend on my lunch break. That is something that I would never normally do but apparently, I've lost all reason.

The incident started out innocent enough. He asked me if I would give him a ride home from a party because he didn't want to drink and drive.  I usually take my Code 7 (lunch break) at around the time that bars close anyway so it really wasn't a big deal. I would do it for any other friend, why not do it for him?

I was in serious denial. I knew it wasn't going to be as simple as I made it out to be in my head. He and I have major history together. At one point, I honestly believed that he was he love of my life. Unfortunately, it turned that he was married with kids. We had a beautiful love affair until it came to a screeching halt when his wife found out and damn near kicked my ass and ruined my career. That's a story for another day though...

The point is that neither one of us really learned our lesson. I guess nearly losing his family and everything that comes with it wasn't enough to keep him away from me because we've continued to have a relationship for 10-years. It's never been really consistent, but things have happened between us. We talk and text quite often since we work together, but I think we've both made and effort to not see each other frequently. We know that nothing good will ever come of it since he is a clear believer of the "It's cheaper to keep her" philosophy.

One would think that I would feel guilty for kissing a married man with three kids right? You might think that I'd feel a little bit of remorse for carrying on a forbidden relationship with him for the past decade...The truth is that I don't feel one bit of guilt over the fact that he's married. I know that I should feel bad about it because I am Catholic and adultery is most definitely a sin. I know I felt horrible when my husband cheated on me.His betrayal shook me to the core and tainted my perception of marriage and love.

I feel as though I cheat on Tim by kissing Rob. I haven't talked to Tim in almost seven weeks and yet I still feel a sense of loyalty to him. I think it's obvious that I miss him but it really pisses me off that I'm having so much trouble moving on. I owe him nothing but unfortunately for me, I am loyal to a fault. My brain understands that he's gone but my heart won't accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore.