This week totally sucked. You'd think that I'd be happy to have seven consecutive days off right? Wrong. The first two days were good because my dear friend came in from out of town and stayed with me. Having her here was the highlight of my week.
I've only gotten out of bed since she left to complete motherly duties and to go to the gym twice. Other than that, I've been asleep in bed or on the couch. I'm even too tired to get out of bed to eat. I'm consumed by sadness. I feel alone and empty.
I know the symptoms of depression and there is no question in my mind that I'm depressed. I did go see my doctor who put me back on antidepressants. I use to feel ashamed to admit that I had to take meds but I'm not ashamed anymore. Partly because I don't really care about much these days, but also because I've had one of the toughest years of my life. If the meds will help me feel better then I'm game. I'm tired of feeling like crap.
I think I sleep so much because not only am I physically exhausted, but I also find that sleep gives me an escape. I feel nothing when I'm asleep; no pain, no sadness, no loneliness. That was until today. Today I took one of my naps in the afternoon and woke up crying. I was dreaming about Tim and how much I missed him. Seriously? He even haunts me in my sleep now. I hope the medication kicks in soon so I can get rid of my demons.
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